i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just gift wrapped bread.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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