She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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