my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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