Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize