if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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