hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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