News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My vagina is officially offended.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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