where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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