I think I died a long time ago.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
