I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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