So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
