i just sent this text using only my big toe
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
