you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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