i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
