i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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