Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
