I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
