My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
