So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize