Michael Bay diarrhea
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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