Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
