the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
