tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
