Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize