you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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