i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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