My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
