found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
