It's Friday. Sex?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
