i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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