ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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