I hate your face
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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