just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
