You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
