So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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