I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
