I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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