You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
