I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
is wine microwaveable?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
