Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need to calm my uterus...
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