how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
