Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize