I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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