we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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