So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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