Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize