Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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