i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
