so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
