I want to walk on stilts...naked
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
