I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
