dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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