Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
