i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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