I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize