none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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