What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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