you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
