why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
