The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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